Follow by Email

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Laughing Liberally Boston, 1/17

Hey Y'all,
We've convinced the Laughing Liberally folks to let us start a spin-off version in Boston. If all goes well at this show, we're hoping to hold one once a month. So tell your friends, cause we need to pack the house!

Laughing Liberally @ The Comedy Studio
Mass. Ave. in Harvard Sq.
Check for more info.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Now cut the crap.

Dear Jesus,
I know your birthday is coming up so I feel compelled to mention something that’s been bothering me for a long time. This whole Christmas thing…it’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think? I mean, I know your birthday is special to you, but does the WHOLE WORLD have to celebrate it? I swear. Paris Hilton’s four 21st birthday parties in one weekend seem tastefully appropriate when compared to the month-long Bacchanalia surrounding your big day. Okay, you were a great man in life and a savior in death…I get it. You rose from the dead. Yes, it’s amazing. But come on. It’s two days after Halloween and already CVS is asking me to start decorating for your birthday party. And it’s a birth-DAY, Jesus. Not a birth-MONTH. I’m just asking for a little maturity and some of that putting others before yourself stuff you’re so famous for. Thanks.

Yours truly,

P.S. I still love you. Please don’t send me to hell.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Comedy Updates

Come out to see me if you can...

November 20, Laughing Liberally in NYC
45th St. Theater
Liberals get their groove on with dinner and a show, starring me w/Julie Goldman, from Rosie O produced The Big Gay Show
and Sam Seder from Air America Radio!

November 26, Comedy Connection, Boston
in the Faneuil Hall Marketplace
7pm, $15 w/ 2 drink min.
National headliners perform here and when they're booked, I do!

November 29, The Comedy Studio, Cambridge
Harvard Sq, 3rd floor above Hong Kong Restaurant
8pm, $9
This is the best show in town, fresh, funny, provacative and liberal!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Walmart Wine

Walmart has come out with $2 wine. I have written some taglines for them.

Walmart Wine. For the classiest trailers in the park.
Walmart Wine. Finally, a wine just for the homeless!
Walmart Wine. Treat your hooker to something special.
Walmart Wine. It’s vinegar that gets you drunk!
Walmart Wine. Available in red and white trash.
Walmart Wine. The casual alternative to boxed wine.
Walmart Wine. Use your loose change to get drunk!
Walmart Wine. Works great as a weapon if you’re getting date-raped.
Walmart Wine. Make a toast to welfare.
Walmart Wine. This is how memories are made…in the shelter.
Walmart Wine. The best nights start with Walmart wine and end in a pool of vomit.
Walmart Wine. For the price of adopting an Indonesian child, you can get drunk.
Walmart Wine. The taste of America.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The REAL meaning of Halloween.

This is the first year I've had friends with kids dressing up in cutesy Halloween costumes. The parents probably love it more than the babies, but the toddlers and older kids really seem to have a blast. I realize now that Halloween is not all about dressing like a slutty witch, getting trashed and hooking up with a guy in a hockey mask who you call Jason because you can't remember his real name. That's what Halloween means to me. But this year, it started to mean something more. Now it also means putting a baby in a cow costume and trying desperately to get her to say Moo. Now that's fun.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

I won!

Last night I won a comedy contest! Okay, last night I had a dream that I won a comedy contest. I don't care. I'm putting it on my resume!

Monday, August 21, 2006


Come check me out at one of these reputable establishments.

Mandy's Calendar

Sept 30 6:00P
Gotham Comedy Club, 23rd + 8th in NYC

Oct 7 7:00P
Comedy Central Showcase
The Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex St. @ Stanton, NYC

Oct 14 8:00P
The Comedy Studio @ Harvard Sq, Cambridge

Oct 15 8:00P
The Comedy Studio @ Harvard Sq. Cambridge

Oct 27 8:00P
The Comedy Studio @ Harvard Sq. Cambridge

Oct 30 8:00P
The Comedy Connection @ Faneuil Hall Boston, MA

Nov 16 8:00P
The Comedy Studio @ Harvard Sq. Cambridge

Nov 18 8:00P
Mt. Holyoke College

Nov. 26 7:00P
The Comedy Connection @ Faneuil Hall Boston, MA

Nov. 29 8:00P
The Comedy Studio @ Harvard Sq. Cambridge

Friday, August 18, 2006

My Dream Gig

I’m behind the curtain of a very tiny stage at the First Baptist Church in Medford, Massachusetts, about to perform stand-up comedy at a church fundraiser / variety show. And If I ever felt like a star, I’m a long way from that feeling right now.

“Variety show” is a kind word for this hodgepodge of theater, music and excruciatingly awkward pauses. I am the opening act, followed by Debbie Dooley — a rhythmically-challenged, 12-year old tap dancer; the Pacemakers — four 80-year old jazz musicians who are all off synch, probably because they’re following the beat of they’re own pacemakers, and Mrs. O'Reilly — the Pastor’s wife, who can play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” by blowing across the tops of partially-filled bottles.

And that’s just the top 3. The other performances I can’t explain without diagrams.

A woman I barely know asked me to perform and since I have a speech impediment that makes it impossible to utter the word no, I said yes. I did not realize that I would be performing with the cast of Waiting For Guffman, complete with an all-cast sign along of Give My Regards to Broadway (which I haven’t sung since 6th grade music class and my performance has clearly suffered over time.)

So here I am. Hanging out behind the curtain with Dot. Dot’s job is walk out on stage, holding up signs that say “Cheer and Clap”, “Quiet Please”, and “Sigh.” I tell her to get the “Laugh” sign ready in case this senior citizen crowd doesn’t get my jokes about Internet dating or how I secretly think my boyfriend may be gay. Dot laughs and says, “I’ve never been to a comedy show, but my daughter has once.” I wonder if I’ve entered an alternate universe.

I’m only ten miles from Harvard Square but feel like I must have taken a wrong turn at Mass. Ave. and wound up stumbling down a wormhole, transcending time and space to land at a similar church variety show, but in Davenport, Iowa, 1952. I look down at my notes and cross of the gay boyfriend joke.

When Fred, Dot’s husband, introduces me as a “lovely lady from Sum-ah-vull” his Cliff Clavin accent jolts me back to the suburbs of Beantown, 2003. I realize I haven’t slipped down a wormhole, only my career has.

I decide I’m going to be as professional as possible, despite the girl with braces tap dancing in the back hallway, despite the Pacemakers inability to play as a group, and despite Dot smiling at me, ready with her cheesy signs.

I walk out onto the stage, pretending I’m in front of a packed house at Carnegie Hall…no Madison Square Garden! And I realize: It’s Saturday night, these people probably haven’t been out of the house since the big liquidation sale at BJ’s, and they actually believe I’m a professional comedian. And you know what? These God-fearing, Christian shut-ins deserve a good show! And by golly, I am proud and honored to do my very best to give it to them!

And if anybody asks what I did Saturday night, I was at the movies.

Laugh Lounge 9/1

New Yorkers: Come check me out at the Laugh Lounge. You'll snarf your two drink minimum.

September 1, 7pm
Laugh Lounge NYC
151 Essex St, New York, NY 10002
$12 after 6:45, $10 if you show up early
For Reservations call 212-614-2500

Mr. Lee

Mr. Lee is my downstairs neighbor. He's weird. Not in any clinical, diagnosable way, just your general weird.

At least once a month, at about 11:30pm, my roommates and I can hear him moving furniture around downstairs. It sounds like he's pushing dressers and barcaloungers across the room to see where they look best, and then pushing everything back to its original position, for no reason whatsoever.

Sometimes he's out in the yard with a leaf blower, ferreting out errant leaves from his garden. I realize the desire to beautify one's lawn is not strange behavior in and of itself. However, Mr. Lee is usually struck with the hankering to do yard work at midnight on a Tuesday. And it doesnt even matter whether or not it's fall. We've heard him out there in late May, blowing petals off flowers. Why? Who the hell knows?

See? Weird.

Mr. Lee has a Korean accent so strong we can hardly understand a thing he says. Usually we just say, Hi, Mr. Lee, and rush into the house.

He's about 52, plump, and bald. Oddly, he likes to ride motorcycles.

The other morning he started up his hog at 8:15 am. It was Sunday. I love Sunday mornings, reading the paper, lazily drinking coffee, not showering. I dont like being woken up by the sound of the little Lee-man in his skin-tight leather jumpsuit revving up his Harley Davidson Road King for a nice long ride.

In fact, I dont even want to picture it.

I discovered Mr. Lee had a drinking problem one summer night when I was meandering up the walkway to our shared duplex and heard a bottle roll off the porch and smash onto the ground. As I got to the top of the steps I saw him sprawled on a beach chair wearing only a pair of shorts. It might have been acceptable if it was the middle of the day and the sun was out, or if he had a nice bod. But it was midnight, and ew.

Plus, he was singing. Slurry, sloppy lyrics, but I could make them out. "You got to know when to hor em, know when to for em." The Gambler. Oh no. You killed Kenny.

Clearly, you got to know when to walk away and know when to run.

As I hurried into the house, I knew things from then on would be different between us. He would likely be embarrassed that I'd seen him drunk, half-dressed, and way off-key. Plus, the vision of his round, hairless torso had been involuntarily hard-wired into my cerebral cortex, and I glimpsed a great deal of dry heaving in my future.

That night I had a nightmare. A complete music video. Mr. Lee, topless, slow-dancing in our front yard air humping his leaf blower and singing the Gambler. Then he jumps on his Harley and tears off down our street. But first, he winks at me. Ew.

Which brings me to the ultimate purpose of this missive. Great one bedroom apartment available in Davis Square. Rent negotiable. Please call Mandy. As soon as possible. 617-616-8792.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Random joke

Okay, I think this is really funny, but it just doesn't fit into my act. Comments?

I bet if Thomas Edison knew that everyone thought sliced bread was the best invention ever, he’d be like: “This is bullshit!” Try slicing bread in the dark, assholes!!!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Great Fluffernutter Debate!

As July 4th passes, I’m reminded of the great minds who debated the laws that govern us today. Madison, Hamilton, Lincoln and Douglas. The empassioned quarrels over slavery, the purpose and purview of government, the inalienable rights of man. Powerful stuff.

Today, in Massachusetts— cradle of liberty— the debate has turned to Fluff.

The Great Fluffernutter Debate of 2006 got whipped into a goey mess when Sen. Jarrett Barrios, D-Cambridge, introduced legislation to ban Marshmallow Fluff from being served in school cafeterias after his son, a third-grader, made the mistake of telling his Dad all about the gooey indulgence he ate at school one day.

Then, Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein (hard at work for the town of Revere) decided to counter the Fluff-cott, instead proposing the Fluffernutter be named: the Official Sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. A high honor indeed.

Now, put aside your fears of whether or not Fluff will be able to fulfill the challenging duties of State Sandwich, and if not, which sandwich will rise up to take its place (the Monte Cristo, perhaps?) For now, let’s just focus on the thrilling interplay of state government.

Rep. Reinstein wrote a letter to fellow lawmakers today, urging fluff supporters to gather from far and wide:
“Dear Colleagues,
“I will be filing legislation to make the Fluffernutter the official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I believe we need to preserve the legacy of this local delicacy. I invite you to sign on to this legislation by Friday, June 23, 2006 at 12 noon.
“FYI: Fluff contains no fat, and is one point on the Weight Watchers diet program. According to the Fluff website, there are no artificial preservatives, stabilizers, emulsifiers, or colorings in Marshmallow Fluff.
“I have included a link which will hopefully provide more information on this nutritious treat.
“Thanks for your consideration in this important matter.”
The last line is the funniest. We’ve got 150,000 troops in Iraq, polar bears stranded on melting icebergs, and $3 a gallon gas. And the fluffernutter is an important matter?

Correction: it would be funny if it wasn’t so infernally enraging. Please, stop wasting our time. Stop wasting our money. Stop goofing around and start governing.

“I’m going to fight to the death for Fluff,” Reinstein told The Associated Press.

Wow, that’s a slap in the face to the last soldier from Massachusetts who died fighting the “War on Terror” in Iraq. If anyone knows about fighting to the death for fluff, it’s him.

We can’t really blame Senator Barrios, this whole debacle started out with a legitimate concern: the nutritional value of the food served in public schools. Of course, now, we find Barrios mired in the sticky muck himself, backpedaling to appease the Fluff-noscenti.

“He loves Fluff as much as the next legislator,” aide Colin Durrant said.

Come on! Does political correctness really prevent us from insulting whipped marshmallow topping? Who, exactly, is the Senator concerned about offending? Fans of Fluff? Is this a significant portion of the electorate?

With childhood obesity out of control, I believe removing the Fluffernutter from school lunch menus is probably a good idea. Fact: marshmallow fluff is not a nutritious meal. It’s technically not even food!

What I don’t understand is why can’t this much energy be focused on removing the fluff from our school curricula?

Opposing Fluff is silly, defending Fluff is idiotic, but the amount of time and money our elected representatives have whipped it into mallow over this is despicable.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Laughing Liberally Shows

I feel guilty I've neglected you, blog. I've been favoring my myspace account. ( But I find this good ol' blog is still here waiting for me like that Shil Silverstein poem. The Giving Tree? I think Shel Silverstein also wrote songs in the 60's and 70's. Werewolf in London, maybe? I used to love Where the Sidewalk ends so much. Did everybody have that book in our generation? Or just the kids with hippie parents?

Speaking of hippies, I just got finished Laughing Liberally, Boston. It was the end of their mini-tour. I only got to participate in the Boston part, so my "tour" went from Medford to Somerville, but hopefully there will be more shows in the future. It was the best and most inspiring comedy show I've been a part of yet. It's so great to tell jokes to an educated, open-minded audience, where the purpose is first to entertain but a close second is to motivate. A comedy show might not change anything, but I feel reinvigorated to work for the end of the war, to elect representatives who aren't nuts, and to keep criticizing Bush until he heads back to Crawford. I bet some audience members are motivated as well. So cool. Makes me feel good. I'm gonna' go vote now.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

they planned it all along

no wonder bush rarely meets with fallen war heroes families. he can't bare to look them in the eye.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

2006 Comedy Calendar

Upcoming dates for those who like to ask me when I'm performing next:

Hillarium w/the Walsh Brothers
January 28th, The Thirsty Ear @ M.I.T.

The Comedy Connection
Monday, February 27th, 8pm
Cover: $15

Jerkus Circus
March 16, 9pm
Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner
148 Grove St., Worcester