I know your birthday is coming up so I feel compelled to mention something that’s been bothering me for a long time. This whole Christmas thing…it’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think? I mean, I know your birthday is special to you, but does the WHOLE WORLD have to celebrate it? I swear. Paris Hilton’s four 21st birthday parties in one weekend seem tastefully appropriate when compared to the month-long Bacchanalia surrounding your big day. Okay, you were a great man in life and a savior in death…I get it. You rose from the dead. Yes, it’s amazing. But come on. It’s two days after Halloween and already CVS is asking me to start decorating for your birthday party. And it’s a birth-DAY, Jesus. Not a birth-MONTH. I’m just asking for a little maturity and some of that putting others before yourself stuff you’re so famous for. Thanks.
P.S. I still love you. Please don’t send me to hell.