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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Now cut the crap.

Dear Jesus,
I know your birthday is coming up so I feel compelled to mention something that’s been bothering me for a long time. This whole Christmas thing…it’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think? I mean, I know your birthday is special to you, but does the WHOLE WORLD have to celebrate it? I swear. Paris Hilton’s four 21st birthday parties in one weekend seem tastefully appropriate when compared to the month-long Bacchanalia surrounding your big day. Okay, you were a great man in life and a savior in death…I get it. You rose from the dead. Yes, it’s amazing. But come on. It’s two days after Halloween and already CVS is asking me to start decorating for your birthday party. And it’s a birth-DAY, Jesus. Not a birth-MONTH. I’m just asking for a little maturity and some of that putting others before yourself stuff you’re so famous for. Thanks.

Yours truly,

P.S. I still love you. Please don’t send me to hell.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Comedy Updates

Come out to see me if you can...

November 20, Laughing Liberally in NYC
45th St. Theater
Liberals get their groove on with dinner and a show, starring me w/Julie Goldman, from Rosie O produced The Big Gay Show
and Sam Seder from Air America Radio!

November 26, Comedy Connection, Boston
in the Faneuil Hall Marketplace
7pm, $15 w/ 2 drink min.
National headliners perform here and when they're booked, I do!

November 29, The Comedy Studio, Cambridge
Harvard Sq, 3rd floor above Hong Kong Restaurant
8pm, $9
This is the best show in town, fresh, funny, provacative and liberal!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Walmart Wine

Walmart has come out with $2 wine. I have written some taglines for them.

Walmart Wine. For the classiest trailers in the park.
Walmart Wine. Finally, a wine just for the homeless!
Walmart Wine. Treat your hooker to something special.
Walmart Wine. It’s vinegar that gets you drunk!
Walmart Wine. Available in red and white trash.
Walmart Wine. The casual alternative to boxed wine.
Walmart Wine. Use your loose change to get drunk!
Walmart Wine. Works great as a weapon if you’re getting date-raped.
Walmart Wine. Make a toast to welfare.
Walmart Wine. This is how memories are made…in the shelter.
Walmart Wine. The best nights start with Walmart wine and end in a pool of vomit.
Walmart Wine. For the price of adopting an Indonesian child, you can get drunk.
Walmart Wine. The taste of America.