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Monday, December 19, 2005

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like A Non-Denominational Winter Holiday!

You are soldiers in the War on Christmas.

And you’re all doing a hell of a job.

So good in fact, some freak job wrote a book about us, "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse than You Thought."

Damn right it is.

Sure, we’ve been acting this whole time like what we’re truly interested in is inclusion. But we all know that’s a smokescreen. We don’t give a shit about Jews, Muslims, Blacks or Agnostics. We care about #1. And #1 don’t like Jesus freaks. We like naked, vulgar, pagan godlessness. Oh yeah.

But we’ve been found out. The far-Christian right has seen through our veil of political correctness to what lies beneath. We don’t really care about other faiths, people’s feelings or embracing the melting pot of American culture. We are just caddy. We know that every time, one of us says “Happy Holidays!” all Pat Roberts hears is: “Fuck you, Jesus!” Ha ha ha.

Keep going you guys! You’re doing great. See you after “the holidays!”

And be sure to check your liberal agenda in the coming weeks. Our “Screw Easter!” campaign is right around the corner!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

"I wanna' be a liberalist!"

My first Laughing Liberally Show! So I guess I'm in it. Like, to win it. Y'all. Come check it out if you are down NY way for New Years weekend!

The Laughing Liberally Lab
Friday, December 30, 11pm (kinda' late, but not for new yorkers)
@ The 45th Street Theater
354 West 45th Street, 2nd floor
(Between 8th and 9th Ave.) Admission - $10
Reservations: (212) 967-7079 x210

http://www.laughingliberally.com/index.html

Laughing Liberally is a comedy show which uses humor and laughter to spread understanding of liberal ideas and advance progressive values. Showcasing the brightest progressive comedians from all across the nation in an off-Broadway show in New York City and on a national tour, Laughing Liberally will save democracy one laugh at a time.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Podcasts? What could possibly be next?

So, listen to any good podcasts lately?

What the fuck is a podcast?

We are so starved for entertainment in this country that we read People magazine while watching the E channel and looking at pictures of Jennifer Aniston’s boobs on the Internet, at the same time. Now, we’re supposed to listen to podcasts on our Ipod too?

We are shoving entertainment into every possible orifice.

If they invented a pipe that you stuck up your ass that let you watch NASCAR, the Paris Hilton sex video, and Everybody Loves Raymond, someone would use it.

“Okay, you put these goggles on, and shove this pipe up your ass, and voila.”

They’d call it Assertainment. Or Buttopia.

“It’s Buttopia! It’s like Tivo, only in your poop hole!”

Then people would be like, “I don’t know, shove it up my ass? Isn’t that kind of gay?”

So just to reassure people, they’d get a famous celebrity who obviously isn’t gay, like Chuck Norris, to do a testimonial ad: “I love Buttopia. And the ladies love me."

The early adopters would be passing around the lube two weeks before Buttopia hit the market. But for the skeptics, they’d have exclusive programming you couldn’t see anywhere else. Want to see home movies of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise fixing up their baby nursery? Yeah, we bet you do. Shove this up your ass and all your dreams can come true.