The Great Fluffernutter Debate!

As July 4th passes, I’m reminded of the great minds who debated the laws that govern us today. Madison, Hamilton, Lincoln and Douglas. The empassioned quarrels over slavery, the purpose and purview of government, the inalienable rights of man. Powerful stuff.

Today, in Massachusetts— cradle of liberty— the debate has turned to Fluff.

The Great Fluffernutter Debate of 2006 got whipped into a goey mess when Sen. Jarrett Barrios, D-Cambridge, introduced legislation to ban Marshmallow Fluff from being served in school cafeterias after his son, a third-grader, made the mistake of telling his Dad all about the gooey indulgence he ate at school one day.

Then, Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein (hard at work for the town of Revere) decided to counter the Fluff-cott, instead proposing the Fluffernutter be named: the Official Sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. A high honor indeed.

Now, put aside your fears of whether or not Fluff will be able to fulfill the challenging duties of State Sandwich, and if not, which sandwich will rise up to take its place (the Monte Cristo, perhaps?) For now, let’s just focus on the thrilling interplay of state government.

Rep. Reinstein wrote a letter to fellow lawmakers today, urging fluff supporters to gather from far and wide:
“Dear Colleagues,
“I will be filing legislation to make the Fluffernutter the official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I believe we need to preserve the legacy of this local delicacy. I invite you to sign on to this legislation by Friday, June 23, 2006 at 12 noon.
“FYI: Fluff contains no fat, and is one point on the Weight Watchers diet program. According to the Fluff website, there are no artificial preservatives, stabilizers, emulsifiers, or colorings in Marshmallow Fluff.
“I have included a link which will hopefully provide more information on this nutritious treat.
“http://www.marshmallowfluff.com/pages/fluffernutter.html
“Thanks for your consideration in this important matter.”
The last line is the funniest. We’ve got 150,000 troops in Iraq, polar bears stranded on melting icebergs, and $3 a gallon gas. And the fluffernutter is an important matter?

Correction: it would be funny if it wasn’t so infernally enraging. Please, stop wasting our time. Stop wasting our money. Stop goofing around and start governing.

“I’m going to fight to the death for Fluff,” Reinstein told The Associated Press.

Wow, that’s a slap in the face to the last soldier from Massachusetts who died fighting the “War on Terror” in Iraq. If anyone knows about fighting to the death for fluff, it’s him.

We can’t really blame Senator Barrios, this whole debacle started out with a legitimate concern: the nutritional value of the food served in public schools. Of course, now, we find Barrios mired in the sticky muck himself, backpedaling to appease the Fluff-noscenti.

“He loves Fluff as much as the next legislator,” aide Colin Durrant said.

Come on! Does political correctness really prevent us from insulting whipped marshmallow topping? Who, exactly, is the Senator concerned about offending? Fans of Fluff? Is this a significant portion of the electorate?

With childhood obesity out of control, I believe removing the Fluffernutter from school lunch menus is probably a good idea. Fact: marshmallow fluff is not a nutritious meal. It’s technically not even food!

What I don’t understand is why can’t this much energy be focused on removing the fluff from our school curricula?

Opposing Fluff is silly, defending Fluff is idiotic, but the amount of time and money our elected representatives have whipped it into mallow over this is despicable.